Announcer> Major funding for Impact is provided by the ETV Endowment of South Carolina.

With the generosity of individuals, corporations, and foundations, the ETV Endowment is committed to telling authentic stories and is proud to sponsor Impact.

John Smith> You may not even realize that a lot of the actions you're doing or think that aren't a big deal could be a really big deal to your partner and could cause problems later.

Donnie> You act differently and out of, out of rage or just yelling and fussing and, you know, even yelling at somebody and calling them a bad name is is abuse as well.

Roosevelt Moore> My thing is to leave.

I'll walk, get in my car, or do whatever I got to do to get away from that situation, cause I seen what it did to my step mothers and stuff like that.

Johnathan Austin> It's better for men to express their feelings and their emotions.

Because if you hold that in, at some point, you're going to blow up like a ticking time bomb and it's not going to be good.

(dramatic slamming sound) ♪ Narrator> Society has tolerated violence against women for a long time.

In the United States for many years, in every state, in the country, it was a man's legal right to beat his wife.

♪ Now, thanks to decades of advocacy, domestic abuse is a crime.

♪ South Carolina is the fastest growing state in the country, cherished for its beauty, affordability and mild winters.

But it can be a dangerous place to be a woman.

♪ South Carolina ranks sixth in the nation for intimate partner violence, with more than 30,000 cases reported to law enforcement every year.

The majority of abusers are men.

♪ What, if anything, can be done to help these men change their behavior and stop the cycle of violence?

♪ ♪ Sara Barber> We can really trace the advancement in laws protecting women.

to like the late 70s, early 80s.

That's when domestic violence shelters started.

That's when rape crisis centers started.

And at first these were sort of loose, underground kind of organizations run out of people's homes where women were coming together to assist women who'd experienced, male violence.

♪ There was a case in 1983 where, a woman named Tracy Thurman was assaulted by her husband, and then he came back once the law enforcement had responded and continued to assault her in front of law enforcement.

They did nothing to stop this.

♪ She sued the city, successfully, for, lack of equal protection.

♪ That really started the funding on the federal level and the movement towards laws that protect women.

And so we saw the, Violence Against Women Act first passed as part of the crime bill in 1994.

♪ Carolina Hughes> Specifically as it relates to domestic violence, I think for so long it was treated as a private issue.

And for so long, frankly, it was condoned as a way of resolving interpersonal problems.

There are personal dynamics between the perpetrator and the victim that are difficult to understand from the outside, difficult to address from the outside, and sometimes people don't want to help either.

I think it's important to treat domestic violence as a crime and to hold offenders accountable.

It's not a solution.

It's one drop in the bucket.

It's just one piece of the puzzle.

And there, there's a lot more that needs to happen from, from the social side of things, ♪ Mary Winstead> Home is where your story begins.

Number one.

And number two is parents are the first teachers.

So your kids hear you.

They see you.

They love you.

They believe you.

A lot of people feel for the victims, but when I tell them I'm actually working with the perpetrator, I get a second look.

And I have to say they need help as well, too.

So if I'm able to educate someone and talk about changing their ways, behaviors, changing the way they think, is absolutely huge, and that's a place to begin with.

There are a lot of services for victims, places that they can go, safe houses.

Perpetrators just stay there and continue to perpetrate.

So there has to be an intervention for them as well.

♪ Brittany Howe> This little thing turned into something giant.

And so when you end up blowing up, you're thinking this was about something so minuscule.

If there was some way to intervene, just when those initial things, those red flags, those triggers are happening, I think it's one of those things that we kind of just systemically and through society, we have to make it more normal to seek help.

♪ Donnie> You know, me and my wife, had an unhealthy relationship.

We got into an argument, and I picked up, what I thought was something I could use to keep distance between us, to keep it from escalating anymore.

And she actually got hit in the face with it.

We finally separated.

And, of course, trying to get through the divorce process and everything else, some issues took place, and she got upset and went and filed a police report.

When I was required to come to the class, I was mad.

I was furious.

But once, that you open up and start listening and pay attention, just a little piece at a time, and we like to call it an aha moment like, hmm, until you start seeing exactly what you, what you did wrong.

You know, you learn before that cycle of violence starts, how to stop it and what causes it.

♪ We, as most men, hold our anger and don't know how to communicate our anger and, the best way I know how to say this is we stockpile it, and it just gets put inside, you know, a little bottle, and then something else happens, and the cycle of violence just continues to go on.

Most men in my opinion, and, you know, are not violent.

I'm not a violent person.

But it's how quickly something can go wrong.

And then, blink of an eye, it's done got out of control.

And any time police have to be called to separate significant others, it's already, way past that limit.

(police radio chatter) Brittany Howe> Each week when they attend, there's a different topic that we'll cover.

They receive a workbook when they come in for the assessment.

they bring it with them each time.

And we discuss a different topic every week.

The power and control wheel is definitely something that we discuss in group.

Physical pain is not necessarily the, the indicator that someone has been abused or that you have abused someone.

It's that emotional manipulation piece, coercive control.

There can be financial issues, as well, isolation.

Mary Winstead> I don't think people recognize abuse in the terms of emotional abuse.

They recognize it in terms of a black eye.

They recognize it in terms of, a slap in the face or their hair being pulled.

George Hamilton> We live in the Bible Belt, so, the ideal that, a woman is supposed to be submissive to the man.

So it's an ideology that, you know, perpetuates from generation to generation.

Brittany> So a lot of people do automatically come into the program thinking, I never hit anybody.

I don't deserve to be here.

But it's not until several classes in when we talk about how, how that makes other people feel, ♪ Sometimes it's just not something anybody ever considered.

They think, why, why should my words mean anything?

They're just simply words.

George>...and that's the dilemma that we have in treatment, getting people to that point to realize that other people have the right to make decisions.

They have the right to live their lives.

And if you're not compatible, then you need to, you know, recognize that so that you can make some different choices and make, you know, maybe the relationship is not for you.

♪ Phillip Clark> Families and individuals are all suffering.

Our mission is to provide those individuals an opportunity to heal, families an opportunity to heal, to come together and to be as one.

Lillian Garcia> Because when he was with grandma, it was fine... Phillip Clark> We provide a 26 week class for victims as well as perpetrators of domestic violence.

♪ Currently, we're seeing three times as many perpetrators as we are victims in our programming.

The courts are doing more to make perpetrators seek help.

People are of the mindset "Well, that doesn't happen to my family.

"That doesn't happen in my neighborhood, "or that doesn't happen in my zip code."

Wrong...it happens in all neighborhoods.

It happens in all zip codes.

Participant> Thank you.

Lillian Garcia> When they come to our program, I make sure when they're in my class that there's no shame.

They're here for a reason.

And I am here to support them along the way.

♪ It's important to recognize all of these steps And so we go through classes such as communication.

If you have children in your family, how do we break that cycle?

As we have also known about adverse childhood experiences, it's not what's wrong with you, but what happened to you.

Trauma that was settled and quiet all of a sudden comes up.

And now they're recognizing that had they had the support they needed earlier, they might not be where they are today.

♪ John Smith> I was adopted at six, from a pretty harsh situation.

My mom was a drug addict, from what I can remember.

She was, violent, abusive, rarely there.

We were just left a lot.

♪ I remember eating off the back of a dishwasher at times.

And just some really violent outbursts.

Parts of me just cover up a lot.

That's really, hard to, I guess expose.

It's a drastically different world from being there and then from being adopted into a such a really, really loving set of parents.

So I am 41.

I'm married, to a wonderful, wonderful, supportive wife who's been through a lot herself and with us.

And I have two beautiful children.

♪ Unfortunately, I had gotten into an argument with my wife, and it led to some pretty verbal really loud verbal aggression, uh, physical pushing.

♪ We had a friend there that was with us that night that kind of separated and had called the police, and that's when they showed up.

(police sirens) It just kind of went downhill from there.

D.S.S.

got involved.

So they suggested taking classes.

We've been together say almost seven years and we've it's, nothing's ever come to a head like that, but it doesn't mean that it can't, if, if you're not in check with certain emotions.

(indistinct dialogue) In Ms.

Lillian's class, she's amazing and sweet, and she's able to really help you get in touch with those, pinpoints of breathing or, you know, things that you can do to essentially stop the cycle.

♪ Phillip Clark> You know, men are supposed to be tough.

We're taught that at a very young age.

Boys don't cry.

Men don't cry.

We don't show emotions.

We handle things with our fists.

If that's what you see in your household, as you grow, you think, well, that's normal.

That's the way I'm supposed to respond.

And so if you're tough, you're not going to ask for help.

You're not going to let people know what feelings you have running through your head.

You're like, I got this.

I can handle this.

Lillian> I've heard from clients say I love to be able to hear from my peers because it also is a support.

It's not just me being here with this weight of guilt, but I hear that others are going through it, as well.

And I'm not alone.

Roosevelt Moore> I break the ice with a lot of the guys in class, you know.

Some that you notice after a couple weeks, don't say nothing.

I might just call on them, while I'm talking and we laugh and joke about something just to make them feel like you're not going to be judged by whatever you say in this class.

I loved sports.

I was playing sports all my life.

I had a pretty, permanent lifestyle ahead of me, but I made a terrible mistake at a young age, so, that I would regret and I just had a child too, at the same time.

So, I deal with that every day, trying to rekindle the relationship with my child.

I recently got out of prison, like, four years ago.

I did, 16 years for armed robbery.

That was when I was 17, I committed my crime.

When I got out, I was on the straight and narrow, and then I ended up getting with a certain individual, and it caused me to end up having to go through these classes.

They gave me a, domestic violence, high and aggravated nature.

The worst domestic violence charge ever, which I never put my hands on the woman.

I plead to that because if I didn't plea to it being my prior record with armed robbery... and stuff like that, I was eligible to get a life sentence because it's my third strike.

So I had to plea to this, three years probation with classes and stuff like that.

First thing we do when we come in, all the fellas, we, we kind of let go, you know, shake it off.

Whatever you done been dealing with.

And then we start to like, decipher a lot of things.

We kind of look forward to that.

So you start using some of the things that's been trickled down from past classes to, to help navigate you through to the next, hopefully not the next problem, but the next class, you know, ♪ Lillian> It's important to recognize all of these steps so that we can start to a healing process.

Roosevelt> I wish it was more ways to get this out there to, to where you don't feel like you're forced to do it.

It's more of a volunteer thing, you know, I think it would help a lot.

Especially like younger fellows coming up and don't know how to deal with women issues and just daily life issues because you're so wrapped up in everything else.

So, it'll give them something to look forward to every week, like a game plan.

Lillian>...but still meet the requirements of the court... Roosevelt> Ms.

Lillian.

Great woman.

when you got those type of people that you are conveying your, your secrets to, basically, it's things that you can't say to people that's around you because they don't understand your situation.

It really makes you feel, great.

Lillian> I believe it's extremely important to have empathy, in order for our message to get through to someone who didn't have what society usually feels a family should have.

Because if they continue with this anger and have no resources to be at a better place, what are we doing to our society?

We're just adding more, fuel to that fire.

♪ Kady Jacobs> I decided to become nationally certified in anger management.

And it was not even but a few months later, the solicitor's office reached back out and said, do you mind adding domestic violence to your certifications?

And I said, "No, not a problem at all."

♪ It is an urgent situation because we're seeing it in every aspect of our communities, ♪ Juvenile hall is very full.

It's busting at the seams.

Our prison systems are busting at the seams.

♪ Although our focus is domestic violence, I like to look at it from a more of a holistic, rounded view to say what other things are linked to a person actually acting in a manner that is somewhat destructive to themselves and/or others?

♪ I'm all about supporting the victims because I don't want anybody to ever have to be a victim to any type of violence or abuse.

<indistinct dialogue> But I think another part of it, is the prevention part.

And how do you prevent, if you're not connecting with the perpetrator?

But I promise you this investment... When I first met Johnathan, he was kind of, really quiet.

He didn't say a whole lot.

He, he would attend.

And over time, he started to contribute more to the discussions and contribute to the, the conversations in the room.

So I just had to be patient and watch his transformation.

Johnathan Austin> Me and the mother of my child, we have started going through a rocky phase in our relationship.

It was after the birth of our son, and I didn't know how to be there for her.

In the midst of growing apart from each other, she grew closer to someone else.

And I just happened to walk in on a bad scene that immediately affected me.

And I hate to use the term black out, but I kind of just like, almost lost consciousness and almost lost control of my emotions.

And, I, I physically attacked my partner.

It took me through a roller coaster, through my life for about, for about a year, a year, pretty much.

And I didn't know, what to do with myself.

I didn't know how to act.

I didn't know how to be a good person.

I didn't know how to be a good dad.

I didn't know how to be a good partner.

♪ I was in Alvin S. Glenn in Columbia, South Carolina, for a little over 60 days.

♪ It was horrible being there.

but I thank God that I was in that situation because, it changed my perspective and my view on a lot of things.

I honestly needed the experience to let me know that I never want to be back there again.

(gate slams) I didn't want to do the class because, it's not that I didn't feel like I needed it, but I didn't want to be told that I was wrong and that I was a bad person.

(indistinct dialogue) Once we came back from the Christmas break, I started to take the classes and the course.

And Ms.

Jacobs herself more serious because she takes it serious and I knew if I wanted to see my kid any time soon, that I would have to be serious.

Growing up in the community that I did, we look down on therapy because we think therapy is for quote, unquote crazy people.

And, it's not.

I've gone through it and it helped me.

It helped me change my life.

It helped me look in the mirror and actually love myself.

I have a son.

His name is Pharaoh.

I love him so very much.

He, He's called me cool, and I think he's the coolest thing around.

And for him to call me cool, it made me feel like, it made me feel accomplished, really, because I'm doing something right in his eyes.

And, And he matters the most to me in this lifetime.

Marc Himes> The South Carolina Center for Fathers and Families exists to make dads be better.

When it comes to dealing with people that are presenting challenges in society, I think we need to look at the why.

And often we don't think about why is that person abusing?

Why are they not taking care of their child?

Why are they, messing up when they get in relationships?

Group leader> One of the things that we talk about, in this program, we talk about if we could change the heart, then we could change the behavior.

Marc> What can we do to get your mind to change and get you to heal from the thing that might have caused you to, to be, an abuser or whatever the crime may be.

♪ Frank Shields> My mom always been there.

My dad, didn't never really been there.

So I really didn't know how to be a father, to be honest, I didn't really learn that until I came here to this program.

Marc> Hurt people hurt people, but healed people help people.

So if I'm healed, that means I can go make sure my son is okay.

I can, I can make sure I'm in a healthy relationship.

I can do things that I wouldn't do when I was hurt, because if I'm hurt, I'm protecting myself.

But if I'm healed, I'm going to help people.

I'm going to help my family.

I'm going to pay my child support.

I'm going to make sure I'm in a healthy relationship.

I think we have to change our mindset.

Often things that we have in place are based on old traditional ways.

♪ Frank> I've been trying to do things my way for so many years.

And the outcome is locked up.

It's time to grow up.

I'm just now, 47, just now realizing I'm a grown man.

Marc> We're funded by federal, state, and we get some local funding.

Fatherhood is not the most popular thing.

You know, everybody wants to fund things for mothers and children and even animals, things like that.

But fathers is not typically the first thing people think of.

♪ Sara> If we can build healthier families, if we can invest in ensuring that people don't offend again, if we invest in primary prevention so people are never offending, then I think we see the benefits of that by living in safer communities, You know, this is critical work.

A lot of it's not visible.

People don't think of it as something they all need, until they do.

Brittany> There are a lot of people who who just see us as, as siding with the offender or the perpetrator.

And we're not here to say that they were right in what they did.

We're here to say, let's prevent this from ever happening again.

Sara> I think if women could solve this problem, we would have solved it.

And so to solve this problem, we need men to join us in thinking about what prevention looks like in talking to their friends or calling their friends to account when need be.

In fighting to invest in services, and programming for people, we really need men to be a part of this work.

John> Show the younger generation and the younger children that being stable also means taking care of your mental health, or your anger and your, all these other issues that we are neglecting to take care of, Donnie> This is my whole story.

And to get to that end of the story, I'm still got a long way to go.

But, you know, this class and this center have gave me, you know, the tools that I need.

And I'm still learning.

Johnathan> I would like to stress the point of, opening up as a man and being in tune with your emotions.

And I would like to stress the point of passing that down to younger men.

Our little boys that we raised are the ones that we bring up, because it's important to be in tune with those emotions, so you're just not, some angry man out here.

Roosevelt> Just sit back and breathe.

That's, that's mainly the best advice I can give you, because most of us just act off impulse and then you, you have consequences to acting off impulse.

So, make a rational decision before you do anything, anything.

And choose your partner wisely.

(laughs) I'm telling you.

♪ ♪ ♪